ugh. I am stupid and I think my cat is dying. So yeah. We have two cats (I promise this won't be a long entry about pets, but if you are already bored, skip to the juicier people stuff below) . . . one 6-month-old half Siamese, a black male. He is the bomb. The other one, my cat is not too old, maybe 7 years. She's kind of crotchety with other people (always nice to me though) and extremely so with other cats. So when the new kitten came, she ceased hanging out around the house because he would alway chase her, trying to play. A couple of weeks ago, she got tired of it and treed him, and now she gets the respect. When she came back, she had lost a lot of weight and already looked pretty frail. But anyway, the past couple of weeks something has been like chewing on her head. At first it was a scratch, then a small puncture behind the right ear. But today, she is really banged up. She has two really nasty wounds on her head and they are all pussy and disgusting. So I decided to let her sleep inside tonight. I covered my bed in an old sheet and stuff, and right now I'm letting her lay on my lap even though she is really gross and I get nauseated every time I look down and see the pool of puss around her ear, surrounded by alternating sections of matted and missing fur. Seriously though, she is so skinny, I picked her up and she felt like nothing. ugh. And she stinks. eeew she just shook her head, I think she got some pus on my sweatshirt. Anyway. As far as my being stupid . . . I have never claimed to be good at knowing boys' intentions. I never claimed to be, because I'm not. So, there's this Josh thing. He likes me a lot . . . but we've talked (and debated) a lot and he knows and (I think) understands why I will not enter a romantic relationship with him, even though I have (/had) feelings for him. And it has taken a LOT of talking, and I have been totally honest and transparent with him, just laying all my insides right out there. And it seemed like things were great . . . he was saying all these incredible things after he finally was done arguing, about how I'm probably doing the right thing even though it's hard and things will work out perfectly in the end. He confessed - which I thought was weird - that he "did a bad thing" and smoked pot last week. I told him that I did not care, that it is not my place to judge, and that it is his life. He replied, "Yeah, but I really want to be a part of your life." I thought that was it. And I'm so glad I did stick to my decision, otherwise I'd be dumping him right now. Today we were making plans for his birthday and he was like "What day did you say? Friday? Oh . . . well, I was planning on REALLY partying that day." Now, it's still not my place to judge my friends. However, I will NEVER be in a more-than-friends relationship where I have to wonder if the person is under the influence of whatever. I will never wonder "Is this a person talking to me, or a substance? Did he just touch me, or did he touch me through a haze of substance?" That disgusts me, and I will never put myself in a place where I have to be unsure. I freaking hate drugs and alcohol (I have far too much experience with their results) and it really grieves me when cool people feel the need to use them. As I was thinking all these deep thoughts and how it would affect relationship prospects with this person, I began realizing how stupid I am, just for being naive enough to believe that the words coming out of someone's mouth are true. Because ever since we met he said things like, "Oh yeah, that's another reason I quit smoking pot . . ." And now he knows he's getting nothing out of me and all of a sudden he's not done with partying. Hmm . . . So, we'll see. But I have a bad feeling, an inkling that he really was too good to be true. I guess this is what I get for casting my eyes to the right or the left. I already knew that letting feelings develop at all was not the best way, and I feel much better now that I'm doing the right thing, but the realization of my own stupidity always hurts. And the crumbling of an illusion is always painful. |