So I decided to stop being so protective of my computer's performance and let my mom install her super-Bible research software and my brother's Sims Theme Park game on here. They both have their own computers but my mom's is running an MMX like 200, and my brother's is a celeron 533 and he already has about 8000 games on it. So what do I get out of the deal? All kinds of problems with my computer, that's what. All of a sudden I have to reconfigure things because settings disappeared . . . like I tried to open Outlook and it wouldn't even let me look at email until I told it that, yes, "My Connection" IS what I want it to use, still. But I really don't care, mostly because life is trying to suffocate me. Tomorrow is a day off, thank God, because after that my week is going to be like 32 hours at work, 20 hours at school, and jury duty. I hate feeling like this, like there's none of me around because I'm always doing something. However, I am truly grateful for this second job, it was truly a blessing that God plopped right down into my lap, being at a company that works in geothermal, which I studied all last semester, and located right by my school, and paying truckloads of money for no good reason. But then, I was trying to just prepare myself mentally for the coming week, just trying to be less strung out . . . I never feel stressed but sometimes it does manifest and that indicates to me that I'm stressed . . . anyway, so I decided to lay low this weekend and just absorb any rest I could, and a friend . . . He reads this sometimes so I'm trying to choose my words carefully here, but this is weighing on me and I need to put it down somewhere. Anyway, so we liked each other or whatever but I was totally honest and like "Yo I don't date, and even if I did, I'm leaving the country, so let's just take it easy and hang out." I know that's easier said than done but if you can pull it off, it's worth the effort because either A) you have the foundation for a really awesome romance or B) you find out you're not meant for each other but you still have an awesome friend. But he couldn't just hang loose, and everything started being a big deal all the time, which I just absolutely detest. I like my friends because I can say "Thanks for inviting me, but I don't want to go out tonight" and they're cool about it. But this person keeps throwing down this attitude like, "Oh I get it, you don't want to hang out with me anymore." I really like hanging out with him and he's an awesome guy, which I've told him like a thousand times, but as I write this and look at the facts, I don't know why I keep going back for more. He just sees "us" as this big potential and I would like to be a buddy and not think that far ahead. Anyway, this has been happening for the past few weeks, just little pushpushpushpushpush, till I went right over the edge today. It's really hard to get me mad and it's nearly impossible to keep me mad because I have no trouble separating an issue from a person. I don't have to be mad at someone to feel like I'm dealing with something. Today, I was mad. An invitation, a decline, persistence, and then an it-must-be-about-me email, and I got mad. If there was a way to yell in an email, my reply would have been reasonably loud. The essence of it was just that I can't cope with this on top of everything else. I don't know what happens now. I would like to talk to him about it but I can't help feeling like that's pointless because we've had the discussion before: "Please chill." "Ok." and it just doesn't happen. I like hanging out with him, and the friends/family package that comes with him is all great. I just don't know what to do. In other news, I've been noticing how little I want to be an adult. Like for the past few years it's just been building. I wasn't the ungrateful teenager for very long; through the last couple of years of high school I was very glad my parents buy food I like and pay my car insurance and whatnot. I still am struck by their caring and thoughtfulness and selflessness in taking care of me. It makes me realize that even though I'm stubborn and have a hard time accepting correction when I think I'm right, I really like being taken care of. I really value having them around . . . at least a few times a day, I run over to their side of the house to ask something, whether it's asking my dad why there's a big puddle of dead gnats on my windowsill or asking my mom what she thinks a dream means. Tonight I climbed up into the cherry tree to harvest the cherries. My dad came home from work and rigged up a bucket with a strap so I could wear it around my neck to drop the cherries into and we harvested like eight hundred pounds of cherries. He stood on the ladder and shook the branches I was standing on, and threw cherries for the cat to chase, and it was just nice. I'm in no hurry to grow up. That's probably part of why dealing with boys is so hard for me. It's still weird when guys hit on me, especially old ones. I feel like I should tell them, hey I'm just a kid. It was easier when I was a minor because that info sent them packing and I didn't have to really deal with anything. Now, it's like, I'm meeting guys who use phrases like "settling down" and I'm just like, what? And then sometimes I see myself in the mirror, and I notice that I look kind of grown up. And I'm just like, leave me alone, world, I want to be innocent and naive forever. |